I’m sure we can all recall the joy of Christmas Eve. As children, we nestled down for the night every December 24th, desperately trying to fall asleep and praying for the morning to quickly arrive. I would always sneak out of bed, tip toe to the door, and try to steal a peak out into the hall. My father, from his easy chair downstairs, always seemed to hear the not so stealthy steps of my feet and the creek of my door. “Get back in bed,” he would shout “or Santa will skip our house, and you won’t get anything for Christmas!” Now that I am older, I think “What a heck of a thing to say to a little child. Santa will punish all the insomniacs?” Of course, the bigger question is does any of this really matter. After all who knows if there really is a Santa? So I ask, is Santa Clause real or just a myth?
According to a study conducted by Gallup Poll, the Pew research Foundation, and a hobo named Stinky Pete, 89% of children aged 5 to 18 and 5% of adults aged 19 to 120 claim to believe in Santa Clause. Additionally, 25% of the patients locked up in mental hospitals claimed to be Santa, and 50% of the population currently serving 6 years to life in prison said that they would not hesitate to “bang Santa like he was my ho-ho-ho.” When asked to respond to the survey, Archbishop Desmond Tutu said, “Of course people believe in Santa. There is an overwhelming need to believe in the concept of hope and rewards. That is what Santa represents.” The Reverend Al Sharpton responded to the survey by saying, “Of course Santa is real, and he probably is one of the white nuts in the loony bin. Only some crazy cracker would go diving down peoples chimneys dressed like some gay pimp. No wonder he’s such a hit with the homos in prison.” Reverend Jesse Jackson stated, off the record, “I’d like to cut Santa’s nuts off. Some white guy looking like Ted Kennedy with a beard buying little colored children’s love with cheap gifts. Meanwhile, it makes their proud African-American parents feel inadequate that they can’t keep up with some white Ed McMahon looking do-gooder telling you, “You could be a winner—if you were white!”
At that point, I ran away like the terrified but PC cracker that I was, and decided to interview people closer to home, my neighbors, about their beliefs on Mr. Clause. One neighbor, who asked not to have his name used discussing such a delicate subject, said he had proof that there was a Santa Clause. According to this neighbor, he accidentally shot a man one night thinking he was a burglar. Evidently, the intruder was trying to jimmy a window on December 23rd of last year. My neighbor, suspecting danger, pulled out the 9mm he carries for security purposes (he is a store manager and makes the money drop at the bank each night before heading to his red-neck version of Toast Masters), and fired a round at the intruder, striking him in the right buttock. The neighbor ran inside to call the police but ran back out to the curb when he heard a loud rumbling noise. “It was a read hummer with white trim, tricked out with a monster engine that sounded like a jet. As the truck shot off down the road, I saw that the license plate red S. Clause,” said my neighbor. When he went back to inspect the shooting scene he found blood stained snow and a blood red envelope. Inside the envelope was a card the said “You moron! You just shot Santa Clause! You’ll suffer a massive heart attack and die before next December 23rd! MERRY CHRISTMAS BITCH!” When I asked my neighbor what proof he had, he said he had saved the snow to run DNA tests on but the snow melted when his freezer broke. He was going to send the water out for analysis, but his son thought it was kool-aid and drank it. As for the letter, evidently it mysteriously vanished a few hours after my neighbor red it. I arranged to meet with my neighbor again after the Christmas holidays, but he died at
In spite of the adults who swear that Santa is real, the previously mentioned poll still found that 87% of adults and 11% of children considered Santa to be a myth. However, 75% of mental patients and 50% of prisoners said that they either were elves, have had sex with elves, or would have sex with elves if given the chance. Nevertheless, we won’t talk about them because they are boring. Of greater interest is a rare group of people who have a dark and different view on Santa Clause. I hope you will join us in the near future when we bring you Santa and the
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