Two Party Politics

With the advent of “democracy” in America came the political party. The choice of party titles such as Tories and Whigs maintained some dominance for quite some time, but eventually politicians decided that Torie was a name better suited to shitty actresses and porn stars and Whigs on men (the only people allowed to be political) were just gay. Eventually, the powers that be settled on Democrats and Republicans.

The people of America have been taught to believe that these are truly two very different parties. However, a closer look at this belief reveals numerous fallacies. To better understand the true nature of our “two party system,” let us break down some major issues

1. Abortion

Republicans: Anti-

Democrats: Pro-

Truth: Okay for poor people and minorities

2. Guns

Republicans: Total right to bear arms

Democrats: Bear arms with conditions; however, bare arms are cute

Truth: Let ‘em all kill each other; just keep them away from capitol.

3. Gays

Republicans: Don’t exist

Democrats: Fabulous

Truth: Let’s talk about this in the bathroom (wink, wink).

4. War

Republicans: Hawk

Democrats: Dove

Truth: Let ‘em kill each other, as long as it’s not my hawk or dove.

5. Oil

Republicans: Find it!

Democrats: Replace it!

Truth: Get real! Your taxes pay for my gas.

6. Illegal Aliens

Republicans: Stop ‘em!

Democrats: Hug ‘em!

Truth: They do a great job on my lawn.

7. Recession

Republicans: It’s their fault!

Democrats: It’s their fault!

Truth: Totally my fault, but your problem sucker!

8. Education

Republicans: Blame the schools!

Democrats: Blame the schools!

Truth: I bought my grades, so what’s the problem?

9. Why do politians break their promises once they are elected?

Republicans: If it weren’t for the liberal media. . .

Democrats: If it weren’t for the conservative media. . .

Truth: You believed that? You are as dumb as you look!

10. Ever used drugs?

Republicans: Everyone makes mistakes in their past.

Democrats: Everyone makes mistakes in their past.

Truth: Everyone makes mistakes five minutes ago. What? It’s only been a minute? Time is sooo freaky! Are you going to eat that? I haven’t eaten in three days. Ten minutes? Fuck dude!

So, what is the real truth about the two party system? You decide. The choices are not and