Come and gone; come and gone. The DNC has come and gone. The fair city of Denver has enjoyed its Rocky Mountain High, and now, like a caffeine crash, we prepare to fall back into the same old thing: ski, snowboard, and general whiteness. But will we ever be the same? Can we truly escape that nagging fear of what happens when the spotlights fade? How do we keep Denver, or for that matter Colorado, truly relevant as the delegates and camera crews leave us behind to follow Obama and Biden on their historical trek?
I believe I have come up with a solution based on tested practices from the international community. It's time that Colorado aggressively secedes from the Union and reclaims the other territories of the Louisiana Purchase as vassals of our new land of Coloradostan. Yes, this is the solution. Nothing grabs the attention of the world like a good split from a powerful nation. Look at the attention given to Russia, Georgia, and South Ossetia: a cold war super power, a country named after a state in the USA (copycats), and a bunch of irrelevant splitters who are suddenly relevant (cue the Aha! moment). People pay attention to a good contested nation building.
People also pay attention to a good contested nation take over. That leads to my point about annexing the other territories of the Louisiana Purchase. Nothing fires up the world like a good take over. Just look at China's continued success in spite of taking over Tibet and Hong Kong. Is China relevant? Duh! And yet, all people can talk about is how pretty the Olympics were. So, let's get to annexing boys and girls. Also, time to host an Olympics to distract the masses from Coloradostan's evil empire.
So, join me my fellow Coloradostanians as we welcome a new era. An era that goes beyond simple Winter relevance. We invade Utah tomorrow.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
The Santa Conundrum
I’m sure we can all recall the joy of Christmas Eve. As children, we nestled down for the night every December 24th, desperately trying to fall asleep and praying for the morning to quickly arrive. I would always sneak out of bed, tip toe to the door, and try to steal a peak out into the hall. My father, from his easy chair downstairs, always seemed to hear the not so stealthy steps of my feet and the creek of my door. “Get back in bed,” he would shout “or Santa will skip our house, and you won’t get anything for Christmas!” Now that I am older, I think “What a heck of a thing to say to a little child. Santa will punish all the insomniacs?” Of course, the bigger question is does any of this really matter. After all who knows if there really is a Santa? So I ask, is Santa Clause real or just a myth?
According to a study conducted by Gallup Poll, the Pew research Foundation, and a hobo named Stinky Pete, 89% of children aged 5 to 18 and 5% of adults aged 19 to 120 claim to believe in Santa Clause. Additionally, 25% of the patients locked up in mental hospitals claimed to be Santa, and 50% of the population currently serving 6 years to life in prison said that they would not hesitate to “bang Santa like he was my ho-ho-ho.” When asked to respond to the survey, Archbishop Desmond Tutu said, “Of course people believe in Santa. There is an overwhelming need to believe in the concept of hope and rewards. That is what Santa represents.” The Reverend Al Sharpton responded to the survey by saying, “Of course Santa is real, and he probably is one of the white nuts in the loony bin. Only some crazy cracker would go diving down peoples chimneys dressed like some gay pimp. No wonder he’s such a hit with the homos in prison.” Reverend Jesse Jackson stated, off the record, “I’d like to cut Santa’s nuts off. Some white guy looking like Ted Kennedy with a beard buying little colored children’s love with cheap gifts. Meanwhile, it makes their proud African-American parents feel inadequate that they can’t keep up with some white Ed McMahon looking do-gooder telling you, “You could be a winner—if you were white!”
At that point, I ran away like the terrified but PC cracker that I was, and decided to interview people closer to home, my neighbors, about their beliefs on Mr. Clause. One neighbor, who asked not to have his name used discussing such a delicate subject, said he had proof that there was a Santa Clause. According to this neighbor, he accidentally shot a man one night thinking he was a burglar. Evidently, the intruder was trying to jimmy a window on December 23rd of last year. My neighbor, suspecting danger, pulled out the 9mm he carries for security purposes (he is a store manager and makes the money drop at the bank each night before heading to his red-neck version of Toast Masters), and fired a round at the intruder, striking him in the right buttock. The neighbor ran inside to call the police but ran back out to the curb when he heard a loud rumbling noise. “It was a read hummer with white trim, tricked out with a monster engine that sounded like a jet. As the truck shot off down the road, I saw that the license plate red S. Clause,” said my neighbor. When he went back to inspect the shooting scene he found blood stained snow and a blood red envelope. Inside the envelope was a card the said “You moron! You just shot Santa Clause! You’ll suffer a massive heart attack and die before next December 23rd! MERRY CHRISTMAS BITCH!” When I asked my neighbor what proof he had, he said he had saved the snow to run DNA tests on but the snow melted when his freezer broke. He was going to send the water out for analysis, but his son thought it was kool-aid and drank it. As for the letter, evidently it mysteriously vanished a few hours after my neighbor red it. I arranged to meet with my neighbor again after the Christmas holidays, but he died at
In spite of the adults who swear that Santa is real, the previously mentioned poll still found that 87% of adults and 11% of children considered Santa to be a myth. However, 75% of mental patients and 50% of prisoners said that they either were elves, have had sex with elves, or would have sex with elves if given the chance. Nevertheless, we won’t talk about them because they are boring. Of greater interest is a rare group of people who have a dark and different view on Santa Clause. I hope you will join us in the near future when we bring you Santa and the
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Two Party Politics
With the advent of “democracy” in
The people of
1. Abortion
Republicans: Anti-
Democrats: Pro-
Truth: Okay for poor people and minorities
2. Guns
Republicans: Total right to bear arms
Democrats: Bear arms with conditions; however, bare arms are cute
Truth: Let ‘em all kill each other; just keep them away from capitol.
3. Gays
Republicans: Don’t exist
Democrats: Fabulous
Truth: Let’s talk about this in the bathroom (wink, wink).
4. War
Republicans: Hawk
Democrats: Dove
Truth: Let ‘em kill each other, as long as it’s not my hawk or dove.
5. Oil
Republicans: Find it!
Democrats: Replace it!
Truth: Get real! Your taxes pay for my gas.
6. Illegal Aliens
Republicans: Stop ‘em!
Democrats: Hug ‘em!
Truth: They do a great job on my lawn.
7. Recession
Republicans: It’s their fault!
Democrats: It’s their fault!
Truth: Totally my fault, but your problem sucker!
8. Education
Republicans: Blame the schools!
Democrats: Blame the schools!
Truth: I bought my grades, so what’s the problem?
9. Why do politians break their promises once they are elected?
Republicans: If it weren’t for the liberal media. . .
Democrats: If it weren’t for the conservative media. . .
Truth: You believed that? You are as dumb as you look!
10. Ever used drugs?
Republicans: Everyone makes mistakes in their past.
Democrats: Everyone makes mistakes in their past.
Truth: Everyone makes mistakes five minutes ago. What? It’s only been a minute? Time is sooo freaky! Are you going to eat that? I haven’t eaten in three days. Ten minutes? Fuck dude!
So, what is the real truth about the two party system? You decide. The choices are not and
Grass Roots Politics
This episode brought to you by Weed Be Found™. Tired of losing your stash before you get to enjoy it? Never misplace you bud again! With Weed Be Found™ you’ll always know where your shit is. That’s Weed Be Found™, a proud sponsor of the Grass Roots campaign to truly go green.
On a simple planet in a simple city on a simple block in a simple suburb, a political campaign grows.
Bob Brown: With the lighting of this bong, the meeting of the grassroots pre-convention convention is now in session.
[The sound of bubbling and coughing is heard throughout]
Stardust: Good job Brownie.
Bill: Did someone say brownie? You made brownies?
Bob: Later Bill. Business first. We pass the bong to Jill who will read us the minutes of the last meeting.
Jill: Minute 1-passed the bong
Minute 2-passed the bong again
Minute 3-reloaded the bong
Minute 4-adjourned for munchies
Minute 6 (seemed like 30)-water boiling for mac and cheese
Minute 8-added noodles and adjourned for nap
Minute 90-fire department called
Minute 120-fire department leaves, police issue citation and warning to not cook
mac and cheese under the influence
Minute 130-meeting adjourned
Bob: Thanks Jill—
Bill: I’m hungry.
Stardust: I second that.
Bob: Let’s break for lunch. Anyone for Ramen Noodles?
Tune in next time when Bill will ask, “What’s our purpose anyway?” prompting a six hour existential conversation on the meaning of life followed by a break for brunch.
Pentagon Films
Pentagon Pictures in conjunction with Homeland Entertainment presents
Illegal alien vs. predator drone
[menacing music plays]
While you sleep. . .
Somewhere along the boarder. . .
They come.
[music crescendos and crashes]
Border Guard 1: Pass the hot sauce.
Border Guard 2: It’s so peaceful out here.
Border Guard 1: Beats the hell out of going to
[both chuckle]
[a twig snaps]
Border Guard 1: Did you hear something?
[cue sound of taco fart]
Border Guard 2: Damn man! Of course I heard something. And I smell it too. Lay off the refried beans.
[camera cut to secret room within the Pentagon boarder tracking department]
Peon 1: Sir, we have a trigger in sector 4!
Admiral Ray Cist: Send out the drones; full alert!
[red light flashes and siren sounds]
Peon 2: Drones half mile out sir. Image coming into focus! Closing! Closing! Shit!!!
Adm. Ray Cist: For Christ’s sake Peon, what is it?
Peon 2: We’ve been scrambled, sir! They’ve blocked our transmission and replaced it with film!
Adm. Ray Cist: On screen!
[cue sounds of amazing sex]
Adm. Ray Cist: Good God! What is it?
Peon 1: Tits over
Adm. Ray Cist: Prepare to take evasive action Peon 2! Peon 2?
Peon 2: It rubs the lotion on it’s skin—
Adm. Ray Cist: Peon 2!
Peon 1: Pass me that lotion; this scene is my favorite.
Adm. Ray Cist: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Someone launch counter measures!!
VOICE OVER: In a dirty world these men will fight a dirty battle.
Peon 2: We could counter scramble with Eskimos Gone Wild: Wet Parka Edition.
Adm. Ray Cist: Christ almighty!!!! [collapses to the ground]
VOICE OVER: We fight them there, so they can’t work here.
Coming soon to a theater near you.
Peon 1: Did someone say cumming?
Disclaimer
Welcome to Earth, the greatest show around. The time: past, present, and maybe even beyond. The place: wherever our twisted narration takes us. The theme: stupid human tricks and other political and social ideas.
Earth: that magical place where fact is fiction and fiction is life. A land where anything can happen. Politics, religion, tradition, racism, sexism; all are present and more, and all are open to criticism and spoofing. This is an ongoing tale that is not for the faint of heart. It may be offensive; it may be shocking; it may cause children to suffer epileptic fits, but it will be insightful and thought provoking. It will also be absolutely full of unsubstantiated bullshit, much like the American educational system.
So tune in for the crazy antics of our various shady characters (otherwise known as politicians) and the raping of the human race.
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